Today was shit. Want to know why?
Because everyone has shit days.
Sure, I like to pin it on this one incident. But the truth is, before this happened I had shit days, and long after I sort it, I will have shit days still. I will have existential crisis’, emotional breakdowns and mini mental meltdowns. Why? Because it’s all part of the game.
It is easy to use one incident as the scapegoat for all pain and trouble. Like when you’re lonely and you think, all I need is a boyfriend and then I’d be set! This is an illusion. I am no expert on this but observe people doing it all the time. Blaming all their grief on this break up, that death, this incident. And I see it in myself.
Everytime I cry, it’s because I killed someone. Every time I feel incompetent, it’s because I killed someone. I KILLED SOMEONE.
But experience tells me, that when you grieve, it’s rarely over isolated incidents. You just feel PAIN full stop. A heady mix of all things past, present and predicted. A big ball of scrambled rubbishness connected through a glorious network of sympathetic neurons.
Right now I am more comfortable in my sadness than ever before. I might even go so far as to say I LIKE HAVING A SCAPEGOAT. There I said it. I have a good excuse to be all-over-the-shop emotionally. A license to be a shit, unreliable, an all together fucked up person. Release.
On the flip side, when then is no obvious incident or source of pain in your life however, the sense of melancholy can be harder to swallow. You have no validation for your pain. Why exactly do you feel so low when nothing is the matter? That, my friend is a HARD question to answer. And I’ve been there.
At some point I want to destroy this scapegoat. I want to let it go, kill it, be rid of it. I need to stop treating my family inconsistently and blaming it on my emotional liability, I need to get out of bed like a normal person and find a job. Not yet, but eventually. One day I’ll wake up and wish to no longer be made of glass.